How I Would Fix: Batman and Robin

Welcome back to How I Would Fix: that segment of my blog where I take a movie that many view as sub-par and humbly state that I know more about storytelling then the large group of individuals who came together in collaboration and shed blood sweat and tears to bring their dream project to the big screen.

Today I am taking on 'Batman and Robin', which the internet has declared to be the worst Superhero movie of all time.  At least until 'Fan4stic' happened.

I'm just going to give a quick overview of the same old tired reasons people give for hating Batman and Robin.  Questionable costuming choices.  The fact that the dialog is pretty much just a slew of bad puns.  The Bat-credit card.

But if you get right down to it, these reasons are mostly cosmetic.  If the story was good enough, nobody would care about the cheesy stuff.  Take 'Batman Forever' from the same director of 'Batman and Robin' as an example.  The villains are crazy over the top, Two Face is a disgrace to the original character, and honestly that David Bowie inspired costume Riddler wears in the end of the movie isn't any better that anything in 'Batman and Robin'.  But that movie is SO much fun, and while some people like to hate it, it's still an enjoyable movie with a big fan base.

Before I get started on the story details of 'Batman and Robin' I'd like to talk a little about the casting in this movie.  It really is a pity Val Kilmer couldn't be convinced to reprise the role of Batman from 'Batman Forever'.  His Bruce Wayne was dark and broody like Bruce Wayne should be.  The brooding nature brought some seriousness to 'Batman Forever' to contrast all the silliness going on with the villains.  He was also really suave, reminding me a little of the Pierce Brosnan era James Bond.  On the flip side, George Clooney plays Bruce Wayne as a happy-go-lucky goofball.  This would be fine IF he were depicting the playboy mask Bruce Wayne puts on in public.  But NO.  This Bruce Wayne is a goofball in the privacy of Wayne manor, a goofball in the Batcave, and a goofball inside the Batsuit.

I also heard - and this may just be a rumor - that they originally wanted Patrick Stewart (of Captain Picard fame) to play Mr. Freeze.  I could see this working.  I imagine he'd take the character in a more serious theatrical direction and maybe they would have given him less ice puns to spout.  Instead we got Arnold Schwarzenegger with lines like "Cool Party!"

But enough about that.  I'm not here to talk about bad puns.  If you're here to listen to somebody complain about puns, there are countless other uninspired 'Batman and Robin' reviews about that out there.  You're here because you want solutions, not somebody wining about the same old things.

So.  A brief synopsis is in order.  There is trouble in the Batcave.  Batman and Robin bicker almost constantly because Robin feels like Batman is holding him back.  Batman thinks Robin's young and impulsive behavior will get him killed.  In short, Robin is like a whiny teenager, and Batman is like a helicopter parent.  Meanwhile, Mr. Freeze is stealing diamonds which he is using to build a giant freeze ray.  His plan is to freeze Gotham City unless they give him enough money to fund his research - finding a cure for the life threatening disease his wife has.

In another part of the world, a rather unhinged botanist, Pamela Isley, is - trying to breed plants that can kill people because people are killing the environment?  After she becomes a Supervillain, she travels to Gotham City, because Wayne industries was funding her research.  Discovering that she now has the power to manipulate men, and also that Batman and Robin are the only people who can stand in her way, she decides to divide and conquer, driving a wedge between the already bickering dynamic duo.  She also decides to team up with Mr. Freeze for whatever reason.  Meanwhile Barbara - Pennyworth? Not Barbara GORDON?  Shows up and decides to become Batgirl.  Oh, and in an unimportant subplot, Alfred is dying because he has the same decease as Mrs. Freeze.

Now, what would I cut out entirely?

First of all, I would get rid of Bane, Poison Ivy's henchman and third villain.  He's unnecessary, (so unnecessary I didn't see fit to mention him in my synopsis) and they don't do the character justice.  Poison Ivy has the power to manipulate people, so she could make any bozo her henchman.

I would also cut out Alfred's sickness.  I don't feel like it adds enough emotional weight to be in the story.  Either punch it up or throw it out.

What would I alter?

I would reduce Mr. Freeze's role.  Even though he has clearer motivation and a little pathos here and there, I don't feel like he's a powerful enough villain to carry the climax.  I would reduce his role to supporting villain who kicks off the story.  Again, like 'Batman Forever' has Two Face start the story, but the more dynamic Riddler steals the show and becomes the main villain in the end.  Two Face is reduced to Henchman level in the climax.  I feel like Poison Ivy is more of a threat and has greater on screen presence, even though her motivation is murky at best.  I would definitely keep those moments of pathos Mr. Freeze has though.

The Batgirl problem.  'Batman Forever' faithfully adapts Robin's origin.  How did 'Batman and Robin' mess up Batgirl so royally?  Barbara Gordon NEEDS to be Commissioner Gordon's daughter.  That's how her story goes.

Batman and Robin's relationship.  In a movie called 'Batman and Robin' don't you think the audience wants to see Batman and Robin working together instead of fighting all the time?

So.  Here's how MY version of 'Batman and Robin' would go.  It would run pretty close to the same until Poison Ivy shows up.  The thing is, instead of going after Batman and Robin directly, she would manipulate COMMISSIONER GORDON.  With the commissioner under her power she could control GOTHM CITY'S ENTIRE POLICE FORCE.  Batman and Robin are now wanted men on the run from the very law they've sworn to uphold.  See how that raises the stakes?  See how it forces Batman and Robin to work together?  Even if they've done some bickering prior to this point they have to form a team against a common enemy.

Meanwhile Barbara Gordon has returned from boarding school.  She notices that Dear-Old-Dad is not like himself.  Also, Batman, whom she knows to be a hero, is on the run.  Perhaps there is a flashback to a time Batman saved her from a mugger or purse snatcher or something.  Through a little amateur detective work she gets to the bottom of the Poison Ivy problem.  She then dons a pair of Bat-tights in order to join Batman and Robin in their crusade against Poison Ivy and rescue her Father.






And.  THAT.  Is.  How.  I would fix 'Batman and Robin'.